So, from my previous post I am sure it is apparent that Wilbert liked to visit horses and fences were not much deterrent. I usually feed the horses at or right after dark. I use this rather than the clock because it gives them a consistent time frame in which to expect their dinner. I come home, check everyone and then do what I have to do until feeding time. When I step out the back door I will generally have a fan club waiting for me.
One Saturday night I went out to feed and all but one of that fan club were waiting for me. That damn pig was not there. This was indeed strange because that pig was, well, a real pig. But I didn't really think too much of it since I had been working outside all day and he had been there doing his part, ie, getting in the way. (you have no idea how many times I would back up and fall ass over teakettle because he would stand right behind me...never saying a thing, just stand there so I would trip over him) I figured maybe he was burrowed into his hay all tired out from all that work.
As I went through the routine of evening chores I started to worry a bit, he wasn't getting up to join us. He must be sick or something....then it hit me. I had left the big stock gate that leads to the driveway open all day and when I had finished for the day had forgotten to shut it. It was still open and had been left unattended for a couple of hours. Panic. How could I be so stupid. (I say this to myself quite a lot as I do a pretty good job of being stupid on a fairly regular basis.) I quickly counted heads. Three goats, check. Nine geese, check. Two dogs, check. Chickens...2,6,8,15, okay, all 27 accounted for. But no pig. Oh crap. How was I going to explain to Diana, Rosie and Clayton that the pig was gone and I was the one that let it out.
So I started calling him. "Wilbert"..."Wilbert"... "WILBERT" I called him in the barnyard, I called him out back, I called him out front. Shoot, I walked down the street calling him, going both ways. I ran back to the horses...no Wilbert. I checked the barn...no pig. I checked both the duck pond and his wallow hole...no pig. It was well after dark now and I was feeling pretty sick to my stomach. I called and I called and the pig who would always come running, squealing and grunting, was nowhere. I really began to worry. It was after dark and this black pig was out running the streets. Soooo...I called the police...I figured he was a real road hazard.
"Clovis Police Department" (I didn't call 911 as I didn't want to tie up the line and freak them out.) "Yes, my name is Kara Irwin and I live at XXX N. Peach...I wanted to report my pig missing." "Ma'am?" "No really, my pig has taken off and isn't coming when I call him." "Umm, you said your PIG is missing?" "Yes. He was here right before dark, but I left the gate open and now I can't find him. I can't believe he is gone...he never leaves the horses." Silence "Ma'am, you do realize that it is against the law to call the police department as a joke." "This is not a joke, my pig is missing, he always stays with the horses but he isn't anywhere around here." "Ma'am are you sure you are calling the right number? This is the City of Clovis police department." YES...MY PIG IS MISSING AND I AM WORRIED THAT HE MAY BE A ROAD HAZARD...THIS IS NO LITTLE PIG!!" "Uh...yes Ma'am, could you hold please." Geez!! I'm sure glad no one is bleeding to death, I thought. She came back on the phone..."Ma'am, you wanted to report your pig missing?" Yeesh, "yes". "Okay Ma'am, I will take the report" "Your name" "Kara Irwin" "Your address" "XXX N. Peach" "Is that an apartment?" "Is it an apartment???" "Yes Ma'am" "No it's not an apartment, how could you have a pig in an apartment?" "We just need to clarify Ma'am...is this address upstairs?" "Upstairs??????" "NO, IT'S NOT AN APARTMENT and if it was an apartment and you were dumb enough to try and keep a pig there how on earth would you get a pig UPSTAIRS? And where would I have the horses?" "no need to get excited ma'am, I am just filling out the form." So we went on with the routine questions and then, "Ma'am, you think this pig might be a hazard." "Well, yes he isn't very tall but he weighs about 300 lbs." "Is it an attacking pig ma'am?" "No he doesn't attack, he is actually a very nice pig, especially if you have pizza." Silence "Okay, ma'am, we will send an officer out."
And so they did. I was in my usual bag lady who rolled in dirt all day Saturday outfit...so of course they sent THE most gorgeous man I have ever seen! He was such a sweetie and hardly let me see that he (and probably the whole police force that was in radio contact) thought this was about the funniest thing ever. But he took a report (how tall was the pig, eye color, distinguishing marks, etc) and we walked the property and down the street, now with both of us calling the pig. The neighbors came out to make sure I was okay because there were two police cars in my driveway and soon there were neighbors looking in bushes and walking up and down the street calling "Wilbert, WILBERT". As the policeman got in their car, I heard the one talking on his radio saying, "So, we are looking for a black pig, about knee high...basically a walking speed bump." They drove off leaving me feeling very much alone and sick at what might have happened to that stupid pig. I was actually kind of impressed that they went to this extent and for the next half hour I saw them driving up and down all the streets with their big flood light looking for Wilbert.
I decided that I had done all I could and went out back to feed the horses, walked through the gate and there he was! He was standing there with his shoulders slumped like they do and had a very irritated look on his face as if to say, "WHAT". I seriously could have killed him! I yelled at him and stomped around and threw my arms in the air, lecturing him as if he were a teenager. When I was done, he looked at me and said, "whats for dinner and why is it so late?"
I called the police again and said, "uh, you know the pig that was missing? He came home." "Ma'am?" "I called and reported my missing pig." "You said your pig is missing???" ugh It took a while but I was finally able to get the search called off. The next morning I followed Wilbert's footprints out to the back of the property where he had squeezed under the barbed wire to go visit the donkey and horses behind us. Why he didn't come when I called him I will never know. I put up hot wire around the whole exterior fence that afternoon and we never had THAT problem again.
It was a week or so later that I talked to my neighbor Lorraine. The night that Wilbert went missing her husband, Albert, was working in his office which is at the end of the house nearest my property. He came out of the office into the kitchen and asked what she needed. She looked at him funny and said she didn't really need anything thanks. A few minutes later he came back and said "What". She asked what he meant and he said, "you called me." She said that no she hadn't and he, a bit irritated, went back to his office. A few minutes after that he stomped back into the kitchen and snapped at her, telling her that he didn't know if she thought she was being funny or not but he didn't think it was funny and to quit calling him, he was trying to grade some papers. So now she was annoyed with him and told him he must be hearing things because she certainly never called him. Well, he had been hearing something, just not her. About 20 minutes later he came into the room and apologized to her. He said that what he had thought was her calling him...Albert...was actually "Kara calling that stupid pig Wilbert".
Not only is it never boring around here but I keep the neighbors going too.
One Saturday night I went out to feed and all but one of that fan club were waiting for me. That damn pig was not there. This was indeed strange because that pig was, well, a real pig. But I didn't really think too much of it since I had been working outside all day and he had been there doing his part, ie, getting in the way. (you have no idea how many times I would back up and fall ass over teakettle because he would stand right behind me...never saying a thing, just stand there so I would trip over him) I figured maybe he was burrowed into his hay all tired out from all that work.
As I went through the routine of evening chores I started to worry a bit, he wasn't getting up to join us. He must be sick or something....then it hit me. I had left the big stock gate that leads to the driveway open all day and when I had finished for the day had forgotten to shut it. It was still open and had been left unattended for a couple of hours. Panic. How could I be so stupid. (I say this to myself quite a lot as I do a pretty good job of being stupid on a fairly regular basis.) I quickly counted heads. Three goats, check. Nine geese, check. Two dogs, check. Chickens...2,6,8,15, okay, all 27 accounted for. But no pig. Oh crap. How was I going to explain to Diana, Rosie and Clayton that the pig was gone and I was the one that let it out.
So I started calling him. "Wilbert"..."Wilbert"... "WILBERT" I called him in the barnyard, I called him out back, I called him out front. Shoot, I walked down the street calling him, going both ways. I ran back to the horses...no Wilbert. I checked the barn...no pig. I checked both the duck pond and his wallow hole...no pig. It was well after dark now and I was feeling pretty sick to my stomach. I called and I called and the pig who would always come running, squealing and grunting, was nowhere. I really began to worry. It was after dark and this black pig was out running the streets. Soooo...I called the police...I figured he was a real road hazard.
"Clovis Police Department" (I didn't call 911 as I didn't want to tie up the line and freak them out.) "Yes, my name is Kara Irwin and I live at XXX N. Peach...I wanted to report my pig missing." "Ma'am?" "No really, my pig has taken off and isn't coming when I call him." "Umm, you said your PIG is missing?" "Yes. He was here right before dark, but I left the gate open and now I can't find him. I can't believe he is gone...he never leaves the horses." Silence "Ma'am, you do realize that it is against the law to call the police department as a joke." "This is not a joke, my pig is missing, he always stays with the horses but he isn't anywhere around here." "Ma'am are you sure you are calling the right number? This is the City of Clovis police department." YES...MY PIG IS MISSING AND I AM WORRIED THAT HE MAY BE A ROAD HAZARD...THIS IS NO LITTLE PIG!!" "Uh...yes Ma'am, could you hold please." Geez!! I'm sure glad no one is bleeding to death, I thought. She came back on the phone..."Ma'am, you wanted to report your pig missing?" Yeesh, "yes". "Okay Ma'am, I will take the report" "Your name" "Kara Irwin" "Your address" "XXX N. Peach" "Is that an apartment?" "Is it an apartment???" "Yes Ma'am" "No it's not an apartment, how could you have a pig in an apartment?" "We just need to clarify Ma'am...is this address upstairs?" "Upstairs??????" "NO, IT'S NOT AN APARTMENT and if it was an apartment and you were dumb enough to try and keep a pig there how on earth would you get a pig UPSTAIRS? And where would I have the horses?" "no need to get excited ma'am, I am just filling out the form." So we went on with the routine questions and then, "Ma'am, you think this pig might be a hazard." "Well, yes he isn't very tall but he weighs about 300 lbs." "Is it an attacking pig ma'am?" "No he doesn't attack, he is actually a very nice pig, especially if you have pizza." Silence "Okay, ma'am, we will send an officer out."
And so they did. I was in my usual bag lady who rolled in dirt all day Saturday outfit...so of course they sent THE most gorgeous man I have ever seen! He was such a sweetie and hardly let me see that he (and probably the whole police force that was in radio contact) thought this was about the funniest thing ever. But he took a report (how tall was the pig, eye color, distinguishing marks, etc) and we walked the property and down the street, now with both of us calling the pig. The neighbors came out to make sure I was okay because there were two police cars in my driveway and soon there were neighbors looking in bushes and walking up and down the street calling "Wilbert, WILBERT". As the policeman got in their car, I heard the one talking on his radio saying, "So, we are looking for a black pig, about knee high...basically a walking speed bump." They drove off leaving me feeling very much alone and sick at what might have happened to that stupid pig. I was actually kind of impressed that they went to this extent and for the next half hour I saw them driving up and down all the streets with their big flood light looking for Wilbert.
I decided that I had done all I could and went out back to feed the horses, walked through the gate and there he was! He was standing there with his shoulders slumped like they do and had a very irritated look on his face as if to say, "WHAT". I seriously could have killed him! I yelled at him and stomped around and threw my arms in the air, lecturing him as if he were a teenager. When I was done, he looked at me and said, "whats for dinner and why is it so late?"
I called the police again and said, "uh, you know the pig that was missing? He came home." "Ma'am?" "I called and reported my missing pig." "You said your pig is missing???" ugh It took a while but I was finally able to get the search called off. The next morning I followed Wilbert's footprints out to the back of the property where he had squeezed under the barbed wire to go visit the donkey and horses behind us. Why he didn't come when I called him I will never know. I put up hot wire around the whole exterior fence that afternoon and we never had THAT problem again.
It was a week or so later that I talked to my neighbor Lorraine. The night that Wilbert went missing her husband, Albert, was working in his office which is at the end of the house nearest my property. He came out of the office into the kitchen and asked what she needed. She looked at him funny and said she didn't really need anything thanks. A few minutes later he came back and said "What". She asked what he meant and he said, "you called me." She said that no she hadn't and he, a bit irritated, went back to his office. A few minutes after that he stomped back into the kitchen and snapped at her, telling her that he didn't know if she thought she was being funny or not but he didn't think it was funny and to quit calling him, he was trying to grade some papers. So now she was annoyed with him and told him he must be hearing things because she certainly never called him. Well, he had been hearing something, just not her. About 20 minutes later he came into the room and apologized to her. He said that what he had thought was her calling him...Albert...was actually "Kara calling that stupid pig Wilbert".
Not only is it never boring around here but I keep the neighbors going too.